Friday 11th March 2016
Sleep eluded me last night. All night. That was a tough evening to endure, laying next to sweet slumbering Kingsley while all the while I could not get my mind (or body for that matter) to shut down. Nerves took hold of my entire being. I was in a bad way mulling over what will be the outcome / decision of embaby’s current residency in utero. Will he wish to remain on with us? Have I made some fatal flaw which sent him packing already?? My stomach is in knots wondering what is going on.
Lately I have taken some peace from reading Ecclesiastes which is in the Old Testament. Ecclesiastes was David’s son and King of Israel, Jerusalem. He challenges the naive optimism which springs from what we all have been ‘told’ is ‘right’ to do: that we must set a goal, then go after it singlemindedly and once reached we should expect the result to be a great life. He exposes humanity’s total incapacity to find the meaning and completion of our lives on our own.
As you may have guessed, recently I have returned to God, knowing full well that I can’t complete this IVF journey on my own and especially when wound up so tightly that any semblance of peace comes only by way of a chat with Him. I guess that’s what happened in the wee hours of last night: a conversation and inevitable plea for help. Help not for me but for the little one making efforts to grow and multiply. I have no doubt my prayers were heard because now that I think about it, I did rest at some stage throughout my sleepless night.