Tuesday 19th May 2020
Major mumma guilt today starting early and ending late all centred around the needs of Kingsley, or his behaviour or how I’m not providing what he needs or for losing my temper or for using harshness to address him. Of course Erroll is at work and I just can’t manage all three AND the house AND feeding dressing and getting to school on time our big boy. All he did was try to show Elektra love and attention as we walked to school this morning. My frayed nervous system interpretation said “he’s rattling the near-sleeping Elektra. STOP!” And I made some poor choices. The kid didn’t have bad intentions nor inappropriate execution. Elektra was awake, wide awake in fact and adores the attention of her big bro. So what if he wants to play with her on our way to school? I think I’ve really hit the bottom rung. I have forgotten to have fun and smile. So of course I make up for it at the school gates by calling out I LOVE YOU KINGSLEY! A few times. And the child smiles and waves his royal wave.
By the afternoon my guilt trip hasn’t subsided so contact Erroll and suggest that it be me who picks up Kingsley from school, so as to spend a precious hour with him, show him sweetness and fun then promptly deliver him for a 4pm jiu-jitsu Zoom. It’s what I do: kisses, cuddles, rough his hair, hold his hand, squeeze him in to me, feed him yoghurt, banana and doughy Challah bread, then tick another thing off the wish list. And that is to pop into Sunburst guitar shop, meet the ukulele teacher and book lessons for Linus. Its Linus who does all the talking to the manager, tells how he’s ready for lessons and upon leaving the store bids them all a good afternoon. We then head off to Coles, buy his favourite country loaf batard, munch all the way to tennis, use their loo, stroll home where we kiss adieu and Erroll takes our boy in while I take the babies out.
Even after all this affection daddy is still the one Kingsley prefers to sleep with tonight! Tells me through tears he wants daddy tonight but is feeling confused as he wants both mumma and daddy with him. I then ask him whether his heart is feeling joy or feeling sadness that I am in bed with him tonight. Poor kid says he’s too bashful to say. That his heart is nearer to sad, and his head is nearer to sad that daddy’s not sleeping him tonight. But he loves me too! With this then a kiss and cuddle (and after reading many nursery rhymes such as Hey Diddle-diddle) we both tip toe to Elektra’s room, and swap kiddies. Erroll takes his son for nanni and I am now with Elektra for the night.
Some ya win some ya lose! But always, and forever I am the winner with such a sensitive and thinking son as Kingsley.