Sunday 21st February 2016
I am feeling very fragile today. Very vulnerable indeed. Today’s scan showed up one follicle on the left ovary and a mere speck of the birth of another on the right. My body’s response to the the highest Gonal-F dose is weak at the stage. After reading online about other women’s wildly fantastic response on lower doses (22 follicles on one side, 24 from the other, woo HOO they announce!), I am at a new low.
This sadness stems not from this unresponsiveness per se; its from wanting to give Kingsley a sibling. For he is such a gentle and sweet-natured boy and seeing how he delights when another baby or toddler is in our circle, I am, dare I say it, feeling guilty for not having begun this fresh IVF cycle a year ago. Back when I had some bloody eggs to spare.
Each day I prepare our son to accompany me to this acupuncture session or that fertility clinic, this pharmacy or that public loo (self-injections, the poor love, I won’t let him see), and it’s via the metro that we commute to all these destinations. Never has there been a more generous little boy, being schlepped about without so much as a grumble. I imagine his happiness were I to give him a baby brother or sister. They would watch the train approaching together and squeal in delight.
My lovely neighbour and I bumped into one another this morning. She was waddling and looking swollen. A fine example of latter-stage pregnancy. We spoke at length, agreeing to get our toddlers together for a play date. And when I pointed out to Kingsley that her belly held a baby inside of it, he beamed. ‘Baby! BABY!!’, he hollered. Baby, baby, indeed my darling son…