Tuesday 23rd February 2016
I am pleased to write that I am much more stable, mentally, than I was two days ago. When Dr. Munira the other day scanned my insides and declared that only one and a half follicles were growing, and that these did not guarantee eggs, let alone fertilized ones in the foreseeable future, my sense of guilt overcame me and I became remorseful. Remorse at not having acted earlier with assisted fertility in order to give Kingsley a sibling drove me to be sullen with Erroll (and worse with myself) and even cancel yesterday’s acupuncture session. I just could not bear being jabbed in eight spots by the ever optimistic Dr. Liang when in a negative, downright despondent mood.
Today is a different story. I slept well last night because I finally remembered why, over a year ago, I chose not to proceed with IVF, even when Dr. Munira gave me the green light to. It was because Kingsley was, back then, a boob monster. He was never not on the boob. And with a fresh round of hormone injections, there would be no way I could wean him in time before I infused my body with great concentrations of female hormones which would inevitably find their way into my milk.
All this today I enthusiastically explained to Dr. Munira, who herself recalled our in depth conversation on this very matter back in January 2015. ‘Oh yeas’, she agreed: ‘you have enjoyed this baby and every moment of his life. You were never going to begin a new round of IVF a year ago. I remember this well, Alice.’ And with that finally spoken, I could forgive myself and love myself a little more.
So she scanned me and I was calm. She smiled. As of right now, my ovaries have produced one and a half follicles which may or may not develop further, but what is growing exponentially, is the love of this little fella-my one and only…